Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Sh@# Women Don't Like To Hear But Already Know

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years now (started dating on May 13, 2000).  We began our courtship when I was 17 and he was 19.  I would say that we have a pretty sturdy marriage but it didn't come without tons of dysfunction in the beginning.  I mean, come one, we were teenagers.  The fact that our relationship survived our early 20's is nothing short of miraculous.  I should note that we did break up twice in the early years.
Look at those two skinny kids.  And that time stamp is way off because I graduated in 2001.
So these are the things that I've learned over the years that have helped maintain a relationship/marriage that BOTH of us enjoy.  At least I think he enjoys it.

1) Don't be a raging, nagging bitch all time.
I've definitely gone through phases where I just didn't have anything good to say.  I still go through those phases, only these days I don't go all bipolar and start throwing things.  It's also important to pick your battles.  Like, lately it's really been irking me that Brad takes his belt off and puts it on the kitchen counter of all places.  I mean of all places to put your damn belt, why the fu#@ on the kitchen counter that I just cleared?!  But I don't pick that battle.  A) It's way too easy to just move the belt myself and B) if you bitch about everything, then the really big issues won't get the attention that they deserve.  Brad will call me out these days, "Are you gonna be a bitch about everything all day today?"  Some women may think that's really offensive, but if it's true it's true.  And if it's not true, well then I'll bitch about that.  Plus, after going to work all day and being blamed for everything (at least that's how it works in retail) the last thing anyone want's is to come home and be blamed for everything.

2) When was the last time he got shitfaced with the guys?
Sometimes Brad becomes a bitch.  That's when I know he needs a night out.  Or he needs to get laid.  Either way, his estrogen levels need to come down and the testosterone needs to go up.  Maybe they aren't with the kids all day (or they are) but they're dealing with assholes at work all day and really, which one is worse?  Ladies, don't even try to say that having a girls night doesn't involve bitching about your husband.  Your husband deserves a night to bitch about you.  Be prepared to be the one to nurse his hangover the next day and try not to be a nag about it.

3) Fix yourself up a little.
Oh, does that upset you?  Tough shit.  Remember these are things you don't like hearing.  In the dating phase you go out of your way to look cute and impress your guy.  Why does this no longer matter once you're married?  It's a traditional way of thinking to get dressed up for something important like church, or Red Lobster.  Show him he's important by trying to look nice once in a while.  This also helps you.  After our daughter, who was our first child, was born I went into a major downward spiral in terms of appearance.  None of my clothes fit and bathing wasn't even a high priority.  I was also a little depressed and extremely lazy.  Just putting on real clothes, even if you're not going anywhere, can spruce up your day and make you feel more accomplished.  This was probably a bigger issue for me because I stay at home and there really is no need to dress up... ever.

4) Get freaky.
I'm terrible at this.  Really, really terrible at this.  I don't even have advice for this except grab a bottle of wine, a 12 pack of beer, a bunch of margaritas and don't share any of it.  I don't know why I'm so paranoid about being a dirty tramp with the person I'm MARRIED to!  If you have advice for this, feel free to share.  I'm a loser prude.  But anyway, when he gets laid, the dishes get done and not by me.  Quid pro quo. 

5) Don't say awful things.
This point might go back to point #1 but saying something awful in a fit of rage can do lots of damage on it's own.  Don't use phrases like "You always" or "You never" or accuse them of basically not being a good husband, or worse, father.   If you'r going to make accusations like that, then you better be 100% perfect at everything you do every day.  Brad gets a little peeved at me because I generally go silent when we're in the middle of a heated argument.  It's only because all the thoughts rolling through my hot head are really bad ones that would only make the situation worse.  Better for me to just sit and be quiet until I have a better grasp on reality.

6) Stop bringing up that whore he dated before you.  
Who gives a shit?  Really?  Do you think he never dated anyone until your magic vagina shown it's miraculous light?  In the early years, during our on again off again phase we dated other people (maybe even cheated on each other with other people) and when we finally got back together for good there were lots of snide comments about who the other was with.  It got so bad that we actually made a verbal agreement to never bring that stuff up again.  A great way to cause lifelong resentment is constantly digging up old bones at every opportunity.

7) Your friends HATE being forced to bear witness to your ridiculous petty fight.
I am proud to say that we haven't done this in a very long time.  Once upon a time we would have full on screaming matches in front of our friends.  The only thing that might make that sad fact acceptable is that we were hammered and so was everyone else.  Now days it's my biggest pet peeve among couples.  Watching friends have a stupid bitchfest at the dinner table makes me want to start punching both of them.  Of course Brad and I still piss each other off when in public, but we are damn good at putting on a "you'll pay for that comment later" smile and hashing it out when we get home.  We're also really good at recognizing each others "WTF did you just say?!" eyes.  

Do you have anything to add?  Put it in the comments!

-Hugh Jass


  1. I like your advice....
    I think you are right on!
    I wish I could be more "freaky" too...but I am super prude...don't have any advice on that one!

    I think the only thing I would add is be complimentary. Even if you have to kind of make it up. Compliments go a long long way!

  2. I can't even tell where to begin when discussing the funny phrases you used in this post. "Something important, like church or Red Lobster". "Magic vagina".

    Such a good post.

  3. I'd add that you don't always have to be right. Sometimes it's better to let them think they won the battle.

  4. I agree a million times over. The Husband and I have been together for 10 years...started out at 16 and 18 and I think all of the above are completely true. Especially keeping your fights to yourself - its a lot easier to fight clean, apologize and move on if no one was there to watch it all unfold and tell you that you gave in too easy or whatever!

  5. I do not have a clue where this post came from, maybe while you were running, these were your thoughts, but this post is way better than any running post! I love it! You make me laugh, and I am glad I can actually put your face to saying this stuff. I hope you are well! As far as getting freaky, start with a simple, nice piece of lingerie, maybe build on it. Tim is the quiet one in our relationship and doesn't totally respond to the freakiness I could get into, so if you have any advice on that let me know.

  6. This one is def the best so far. I agree with you 100%, and I will try to take your advice. Here lately all I do is whine. I am a total whiner, I feel like a single mom living in a shack. But, I WILL GET OVER IT. I guess I feel good that I do follow the other rules though :) Love it!

  7. Oh hey - we're twins! Dan and I have been together since we were 18 and I too am a prude. Maybe I didn't do enough whoring or something in youth?

    In any case - I think leaving the fights at home and NOT bringing any family into your fights is so important. And like Victoria said - just make them think they are right. Even if they aren't. What does it hurt??

  8. Where were you when I needed this advice along time ago? Wait! …… I was married to an asshole so it probably wouldn’t have helped anyway. I’ll heed your advice though with the man I’m married to now, who by the way I should’ve been married to all along. And for #4 ???.... Umm…. It has its benefits for you too girl and I don’t mean he’ll do the dishes…. Besides the beer and margaritas, Jager Bombs will work… and some… oh nevermind… HeHeHe ;P ~Marsha~

  9. Kelley and I met when I was still 20 and she was 24. she actually used to buy me beer. 6 months after we met she moved in with me, 6 months after that I stopped sleeping with other girls, and 2 years after she moved in we got married.

    I am such a girl. Love this list. We've been through every single stage listed out here and maybe some others.

    You could add "don't be negative". always finding the worst part of something or constantly complaining about something your man can't change is just as bad as nagging. It makes you completely unpleasant to be around. ok, maybe that's the only one I could add.

    and for the record, plenty of women enjoy sex and plenty of men don't. that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

  10. 8) Don't assume men (or anyone for that matter) can mind read. And if you don't assert what you are thinking, don't get mad if things don't go your way.
    9) Admit when you are crazy irrational bitch. We all do crazy shit when we are PMS'ing, and admitting this can do wonders.
    10) Don't ask stupid questions if you don't want a stupid response. And don't ask questions or say things that you know will get a less than acceptable response. Why set yourself up for anger?